My Wish List For My 18th Birthday

Today is September 4, 2010. In just 40 short days, on October 14, I will be 18. Every since I was a little kid, I had this habit of typing up a wish list of all the things I wanted for my birthday every single year. I would write how much it costs and where it could be bought and then I would print out 10 copies and leave strategically around my house. Despite the fact that I'm not a baby anymore, this year will be no different. Anyone who ever says "I don't want a gift" or "Really, there's nothing I want" is full shit. Everyone wants presents. It's your birthday, the one time of year when you can be as big of a glutton as you want. Since I'm turning 18 this year, I feel like I entitled to ask for bigger things than usual. 18 is a big deal. And so, I present to you, my 2010 birthday list.

1. A car. Any simple Corvette or Lambo will do. I'm not that picky. I just don't think that it's fair that all these kids on My Super Sweet 16 get a car before they even turn 16. I'm going to be 18 damn it. It's about time. Oh, and it has to have a vegan leather interior.

2. A Mac. I've been using the same old crappy Dell laptop since the 9th grade. And no, I'm not spoiled. I paid for it myself. But it's getting older and crappier by the day, and this time around I want a Mac. One of the big pretty desktop ones with the purple wallpaper.

3. An elephant. There are three good reasons I should get an elephant. Think of it as a multiple-purpose gift. It would be a pet, a vehicle and a bodyguard all in one. Seriously, who would mess with a kid on an elephant? I will name him Stampy as an homage to Bart Simpson. I will share my vegetarian food with him, so feeding him isn't an issue. And if I get Stampy, I will be okay not getting a car. It's a package deal. I don't want to be greedy or anything.

4. Rise Against. They're my favourite live band and I haven't seen them since July 2009. That's more than a year ago! I want them to play a show on the deck in my backyard. If they are not available, the Foo Fighters are an acceptable substitute.

5. A Smoke's Poutinerie location on my driveway. Poutine from Smoke's is my favourite junk food ever. I crave it all the time, especially in the middle of the night, but the closet one is more than an hour's drive away. That just will not do.

6. George Clooney.

7. A tattoo. Actually I want a few. Joey's paw print, a music note, some lyrics, etc.

8. An LCD tv. I'm still using an old CRT. I want a BIG HDTV mounted to the wall in my room.

9. A trampoline floor and a velcro ceiling. You do the math.

10. A dumpster full of foam and a ramp of equal height. Again, I think this is pretty obvious. I want to ride my bike/skateboard/mom's minivan/anything with wheels up and off the ramp where I can then land in the foam pit.